All this fear

that *this* bad thing will happen, *that* bad thing will happen.
I’ll get dizzy in the bathroom, fall down and hit my head…
My blood pressure will kill me before I wake up…
I’m going to have another stroke…
Some accident we aren’t prepared for will befall us….

Oh, do you really want me to go all through them?  There are so many. I could list them all, but it would go on for pages. I could list them all.and meticulously end them all, and I would *still* be afraid.

Perhaps I should determine to do that… to list them all and tick them off, one at a time. Each of them are probably as likely as the idea that Jack is having an affair.

All of these fears… about my health, my money, our money, our security, my future, my family, my son, my house, my brothers and sisters, my mother, my father, the store, the house, …my soul, my life …

they are all the same fear…
the fear that I shouldn’t be alive at all.  Haven’t I always felt that I didn’t the right to be alive at all? What happened to my sense of humor?

It’s all the voice of the same demon. It’s the same little devil that’s been sitting on my shoulder my whole life, trying to convince me to kill myself, that I should die,  that I don’t deserve to live a life

But that devil is lying. When isn’t the Devil lying? He’s always been known as a liar – one who promises you riches or beauty or fame or even an end to pain, only to bear you down to Hell.

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3 Responses to All this fear

  1. Louise M says:

    May you keep writing louisemowder! I after reading the Feb 15 comment you’d posted at Ambiance, I followed your name over here. What gave me pause and stood out as unusual to me about the comment was the combination of Grace and Truth I found revealed in your words, almost artlessly as if it were part of you are. I look forward to more of your posts.

    • louisemowder says:

      Ah, mamamoomoo, thank you so much for your encouragement! A blog is a leap of faith. Is it just solipsistic self-indulgence? Does it actually speak to great issues beyond oneself?

      Your words mean more than I can express.

  2. LouiseM says:

    That’s Good!

    Presence makes a difference. Whenever I can see the difference happen, as in comments which move beyond statement or entertainment to invite and affect direction, I feel heartened and blessed. Informed and challenged too.

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